Prostitute jokes

Here are some prostitute jokes. This doesn't mean that we should be disrespectful for that profession - it's just humour.

  • A popular whorehouse was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a 15-year-old, and the madam replied:
"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

  • Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.

  • What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it -- we're closed.

  • I thought that was an advertising quote from Bicycle Mary's House of Prostitution. You know, the one who peddles her ass all over town. She had the sale of two titties.

  • What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

  • Did you hear about the prostitute who had an apendix operation?
Well, now she is making money on the side.

  • Define: Pimp.
A fornicaterer.

  • "How'd you get the black eye?"
"I called Yolanda a two-bit whore."
"What did she hit you with?"
"A sack of quarters."

  • Why did the baritone hire a hooker?
He wanted someone to hum his parts.

  • A male out of work porn star is seeking employment. The agent asks to see an eight-by-ten.
"If I had an eight-by-ten, I wouldn't be out of work."

  • Cop to a hooker: "What would your mother do if she saw you doing this?"
"She'd kill me...It's her corner."

  • What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a hooker?
The last blow job you'll ever get.

  • "Is that Hortense?"
"She looks relaxed to me...."

  • What's the difference between a call girl and a hooker?
The call girl doesn't have to worry about hitting her head on the steering wheel.

  • Overheard by a person with a cold:
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute .

  • What is the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?
One uses vaseline, the other uses polygrip.

  • What do the pink panther and a male prostitute have in common?
They are both peter sellers.

  • Its a business doing pleasure with you, said the whore as she accepted payment for her services.

  • What do you get if you cross a streetwalker with an elephant?
A two-ton pickup.
A piece of ass you'll never forget.

  • What do you get when you put two nuns and a hooker on a football field?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

  • What do pitchers have in common with gigolos?
Fast Balls.

  • Hear about the hooker that had a 300 pound customer?
She was pressed for cash.

  • If a whole bunch of women were walking down the street and they all turned into potatoes how could you tell which one was the prostitute?
The potato with Idaho stamped on its back.

  • What do you get when you pull the trampoline out from under a prostitute, while she's up in the air?
A ho-down.

  • How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

  • What's the difference between a whore and a sperm bank?
The whore gets more deposits.

  • Why did the hooker wear platform shoes?
She didn't want to sell herself short.

  • What does a whore have in common with a pistol?
One cock, and they're ready to blow.

  • Who earns more money, a drug dealer or a hooker?
It depends on the quality of the crack.

  • Why does a prostitute charge more for anal sex than oral sex?
The hole is worth more than the hum of your parts.

  • What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarreah?
One shucks between fits!

  • What do you call a whore with her own transport?
Feels on Wheels!

  • Why was the commemorative postage stamp for prostitution unpopular?
It cost an extra 10 cents if you wanted to lick it.

  • What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

  • A woman was accused of prostitution.
She went to trial and was acquitted by a hung jury.

  • Why do prostitutes wear knickers?
To keep their ankles warm

  • Why do they wear earings?
Something to hook their legs onto!

  • Why do they use condoms?
It last longer than gum!

  • The raddled old prostitute had seen better days, "Want a good time dearie?" she asked a passing sailor.
"Well, er, I only have got a fifty pence piece," he said.
"That's ok, dear," she said, "I've got change."

  • Two prostitutes were talking.
"We're in the best business in the world," said one.
"Why's that?" said the other.
"Well, we've got it, we sell it, and we've STILL got it!"

  • A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring a pair of silver shoes when a guy slid up beside her.
"Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you come to bed with me."
"Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex very much."
He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel where, once again, she emphasised her lack of enthusiasm.
And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him the slightest encouragement. So much so that he was getting bored himself.
She suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and shouted, "WOW!"
"I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting excitement.
"I don't. But I just LOVE these new silver shoes!"

  • A bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.
He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.
But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

  • One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush."
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

  • The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out."
The boy quickly agreed. The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her panties and laid back. The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.
The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed. This time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there.
After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."
He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more money."

  • Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar.
The first one says my pussy is so big, I can screw three guys at the same time.
The second prostitute says, MY pussy is so big, I can screw a guy's leg up to the knee.
The third one just slides down the stool...

  • A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office (Foot specialist), mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. :So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his penis through the screen.
The nurse walked over, shrieked and dropped her tray of instruments.
"That's not a foot!" she screamed.
The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum."

  • Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase.
He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

  • The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed.
He crawls on top of her.
"Okay, stick it in honey...all the way pull it put it back pull it out..."
"For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your fucking mind?"

  • A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.  :After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

  • The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! " then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.

  • There were two friends one evening in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse for the evening. So they got to the whorehouse, paired off with a couple of the ladies, and went to their respective rooms. The first guy energetically balled his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. He woke up in a couple of hours and screwed the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reached back and marked a line on the wall. Again, he fell asleep. He woke up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humped the hooker again. He drowsily marked a third line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the second guy barged into the white guy's room to see how he did. He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A hundred and eleven? You beat me by three!"

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